Lately I've had a lot of time to think about why it is that I am so drawn to the idea of being an illustrator. I left my graphic design job that I got recently because I just felt like it wasn't for me. I admire graphic designers and what they contribute to the world, but I feel like illustration has more meaning for me. When I was sitting in that design office I couldn't stop thinking about how I would rather be drawing. I couldn't stop thinking about how I should have spent the last 4 years pursuing illustration instead of graphic design.
I started listening to a Bobby Chiu Youtube video the other day to keep me company while I drew. Normally when I draw I like to listen to those things to make me think while I work. I am glad I listened to this one because it made me realize something important. For those of you who aren't aware, Bobby Chiu is a very accomplished digital painter who has been drawing for Disney since he was 17 years of age and has over 20 years of experience already, so I try my best to keep my ears open for when he does a new interview so that I can gleam some kind of important lesson out of it. During this particular interview he was able to talk to a woman named Victoria Ying who has also done work for Disney. She has been a concept artist for about 10 years. Here is a link to the video if you'd like to see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu3EDfRKOUE
She offered many great lessons, but one of the lessons she shared was that basing your entire self worth as an artist off of how many followers you have or how many likes you get is very damaging to your self esteem and I feel like this caught my attention. It it true that there are some artists that have more likes than other artists, when those artists sometimes can't even compare to the art of Bobby Chiu for example. I bring this up because it reminded me of probably the worst, most self esteem damaging event of my life. I do not know if it would be wise of me to share it. What I can tell you is that after going through a terrible period in my life for 3 years - being abused by a terrible boyfriend, going through homelessness, having to deal with terrible asthma that put me in the emergency room several times - I come back and see that someone I admired as an entertainer for 9 years basically told me that he thought nothing of me. To compound the failure, I found out that I had missed out on an oppurtunity of a lifetime to work with him as an artist. This is literally an oppurtunity that I perceive to never be available again, and I missed it because I thought school was more important than anything, I missed it because I was willing to be homeless if it meant finishing school, I missed it because I thought being beaten by an alcoholic was worth it if it meant he helped me get through school. I had never felt so much anger in all my years of living. He said it to me and in front of everyone that I knew that being like me is "the worst thing to be" and even asked everyone if they agreed. It made me feel invisible and forgotten, it made me feel like all my suffering did not matter. When Victoria said not to base my entire self worth off of likes and followers it reminded me of this event in my life because it made me think that I shouldn't be upset about this event since it is just one person. I thought to myself too about another thing Victoria Ying said, which was that you should be clear on your "why" for doing art. She said that you should ask yourself 3 times why it is you want to work for a particular studio (Disney, Blizard, etc) and if you are satisfied with every answer you give to each of those 3 questions, then you are good to go. She said that a lot of people's 'why' for wanting to work at Disney is for the respect of it, but at the end of the day working at Disney is going to be a job. You have to know that working there forever might not be a possibility because you might figure out that you do not like it. You may even find out that wanting to work there solely for prestige isn't a strong enough "why" to stay there for years and years on end. What is more important then respect is happiness. There is such a thing as working for a big company and not being happy.
Now when it comes to my personal 'why' for doing art, I feel like I am partially doing it because I want to prove this person that thought nothing of me that they are wrong. I want to take the anger I have towards them and use it to fuel me to become even bigger than they are,to make them never forget who I am again, to make everyone who doubted me and looked down on me realize what my true potential is. I worry though that I could be setting myself up to do what Victoria said not to do, which is to base my entire self worth off of essentially shallow things like how much attention i get online, or how much respect i get, or how many followers I get, or in my case, just to "get back" or prove someone wrong. At the same time however I do feel like these negative feelings can't be ignored. It just can't be denied that I am not just hurt but destroyed by it, so why not take that pain and use it as fuel? Why not use that pain as a call to action? Why not use that pain as my "Why" for doing art? Would it hurt me to do this? or would it be my own kind of personal therapy? Every time I remember all the bad things that have happened to me I can tell myself that there is such a thing as turning those negative events into victory.
I think I am not so much destroyed by his opinion of me as I am at myself. I feel like I hate myself for having gone to school. I feel like I hate myself for having bothered to try and better myself through school and try to 'sacrifice' everything for school. The pain I've accumulated in all these years is a huge contributor to my why for being an artist. Me going to school to be a designer, just to come back and find out that my hero thinks nothing of me and had completely moved on from me while i was suffering to achieve something i had no passion for kills me. It is like the universe is literally telling me "Look, dumbass, you should have been doing illustration. See how things would have been if you had gone down that path? See what I was trying to do when I had your professor literally tell you that you were meant to be an artist? See why your brother was in your life trying to tell you to always practice art? See? Now, you are 27 fucking years old, it's either you go for design now or I'm not making things happen for you anymore. " Yes...This is what the universe is saying to me. I will not argue this. I have already decided this is what it is saying.
I also want to be an illustrator because I don't want to keep feeling like I am 'settling' for graphic design. I am an illustrator so that I can improve myself, because this is one of the only skills that I am willing to break myself in order to hone. If I break myself I will find out who I really am, I will learn about the world and I can prove to myself that you can achieve your dreams. I want to make characters and art that will become apart of our pop culture and that will be remembered forever.
I started listening to a Bobby Chiu Youtube video the other day to keep me company while I drew. Normally when I draw I like to listen to those things to make me think while I work. I am glad I listened to this one because it made me realize something important. For those of you who aren't aware, Bobby Chiu is a very accomplished digital painter who has been drawing for Disney since he was 17 years of age and has over 20 years of experience already, so I try my best to keep my ears open for when he does a new interview so that I can gleam some kind of important lesson out of it. During this particular interview he was able to talk to a woman named Victoria Ying who has also done work for Disney. She has been a concept artist for about 10 years. Here is a link to the video if you'd like to see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu3EDfRKOUE
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| Victoria Ying's work for Big Hero 6 |
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| Bobby Chiu's Character Design for The Alice in Wonderland movie |
She offered many great lessons, but one of the lessons she shared was that basing your entire self worth as an artist off of how many followers you have or how many likes you get is very damaging to your self esteem and I feel like this caught my attention. It it true that there are some artists that have more likes than other artists, when those artists sometimes can't even compare to the art of Bobby Chiu for example. I bring this up because it reminded me of probably the worst, most self esteem damaging event of my life. I do not know if it would be wise of me to share it. What I can tell you is that after going through a terrible period in my life for 3 years - being abused by a terrible boyfriend, going through homelessness, having to deal with terrible asthma that put me in the emergency room several times - I come back and see that someone I admired as an entertainer for 9 years basically told me that he thought nothing of me. To compound the failure, I found out that I had missed out on an oppurtunity of a lifetime to work with him as an artist. This is literally an oppurtunity that I perceive to never be available again, and I missed it because I thought school was more important than anything, I missed it because I was willing to be homeless if it meant finishing school, I missed it because I thought being beaten by an alcoholic was worth it if it meant he helped me get through school. I had never felt so much anger in all my years of living. He said it to me and in front of everyone that I knew that being like me is "the worst thing to be" and even asked everyone if they agreed. It made me feel invisible and forgotten, it made me feel like all my suffering did not matter. When Victoria said not to base my entire self worth off of likes and followers it reminded me of this event in my life because it made me think that I shouldn't be upset about this event since it is just one person. I thought to myself too about another thing Victoria Ying said, which was that you should be clear on your "why" for doing art. She said that you should ask yourself 3 times why it is you want to work for a particular studio (Disney, Blizard, etc) and if you are satisfied with every answer you give to each of those 3 questions, then you are good to go. She said that a lot of people's 'why' for wanting to work at Disney is for the respect of it, but at the end of the day working at Disney is going to be a job. You have to know that working there forever might not be a possibility because you might figure out that you do not like it. You may even find out that wanting to work there solely for prestige isn't a strong enough "why" to stay there for years and years on end. What is more important then respect is happiness. There is such a thing as working for a big company and not being happy.
Now when it comes to my personal 'why' for doing art, I feel like I am partially doing it because I want to prove this person that thought nothing of me that they are wrong. I want to take the anger I have towards them and use it to fuel me to become even bigger than they are,to make them never forget who I am again, to make everyone who doubted me and looked down on me realize what my true potential is. I worry though that I could be setting myself up to do what Victoria said not to do, which is to base my entire self worth off of essentially shallow things like how much attention i get online, or how much respect i get, or how many followers I get, or in my case, just to "get back" or prove someone wrong. At the same time however I do feel like these negative feelings can't be ignored. It just can't be denied that I am not just hurt but destroyed by it, so why not take that pain and use it as fuel? Why not use that pain as a call to action? Why not use that pain as my "Why" for doing art? Would it hurt me to do this? or would it be my own kind of personal therapy? Every time I remember all the bad things that have happened to me I can tell myself that there is such a thing as turning those negative events into victory.
I think I am not so much destroyed by his opinion of me as I am at myself. I feel like I hate myself for having gone to school. I feel like I hate myself for having bothered to try and better myself through school and try to 'sacrifice' everything for school. The pain I've accumulated in all these years is a huge contributor to my why for being an artist. Me going to school to be a designer, just to come back and find out that my hero thinks nothing of me and had completely moved on from me while i was suffering to achieve something i had no passion for kills me. It is like the universe is literally telling me "Look, dumbass, you should have been doing illustration. See how things would have been if you had gone down that path? See what I was trying to do when I had your professor literally tell you that you were meant to be an artist? See why your brother was in your life trying to tell you to always practice art? See? Now, you are 27 fucking years old, it's either you go for design now or I'm not making things happen for you anymore. " Yes...This is what the universe is saying to me. I will not argue this. I have already decided this is what it is saying.
I also want to be an illustrator because I don't want to keep feeling like I am 'settling' for graphic design. I am an illustrator so that I can improve myself, because this is one of the only skills that I am willing to break myself in order to hone. If I break myself I will find out who I really am, I will learn about the world and I can prove to myself that you can achieve your dreams. I want to make characters and art that will become apart of our pop culture and that will be remembered forever.
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